B-l-o-g…yes it’s a four letter word. I have considered starting a blog for some time now but have always come back to the same conclusion, “WHO REALLY CARES WHAT I THINK?”. Chances are the answer is, no one. I suppose today my conclusion was, “Maybe someone might”. In all honesty I hope that I can help people understand what it’s like to live with PTSD and hopefully help someone who may just be as crazy as me feel a little normal. I also plan to use my blog as a place to release my thoughts, so they can quit running around in my brain like a hamster, on speed, who is trapped in his little hamster wheel.
Today I had one of those days, and what I mean by one of those days is, One of those days when you get nauseous at the thought of leaving your house and dropping your kid off at school, and all you really want to do is curl up in your closet and tell the world to go away. Unfortunately but fortunately that isn’t really an option. So what do I do instead. Well I muster my strength take a deep breath, get the kid to school, come home, think of all the things I was going to do today but now don’t feel the ability to accomplish, do some deep breathing, sit at the computer and do some meaningless task (play plants vs. zombies), answer the phone cause it’s your mom and you can handle talking to her, be grateful your mom called because talking to her is enough of a distraction from the anxiety that you can tidy the house and get ready to go to the store, tell your mom your going to the store cause if you tell someone your going you’ll feel accountable, get of the phone with mom, feel better, thank God for moms, pack up the kids, go to the store, feel like a normal person for a bit. One of the things I’ve dealt with since witnessing a shooting, at the high-school I attended 12 years ago, is this dread of leaving the house and having to be around people. Some days I work through it and some days I just have an “inside day”. It doesn’t happen as often as it once did or as intensely but I still have triggers that can set it off. Some days it is just the simple act of having to take my kids to school. Sometimes it’s the weather, or the news. I’ve come to accept that it is just a part of life for me but strive to not totally resign myself to it. I don’t think most people know I fight the urge to become a complete recluse. Really it’s not something one just brings up in conversation, “Hi my name is Jessie, I have PTSD and sometimes want to lock myself in my closet. Now don’t you want to be my friend?” I’ve also encountered to many people with the “Just get over it and move on” attitude. I don’t enjoy days like today, they make me feel weak and powerless, much how I felt on the day of the shooting. But I get through, I get through days like today because I have a great mom and because I remind myself that strength isn’t measured by what we can avoid but what we can overcome and then I overcome it, again.